Misguided passion

The year is half over. And when I look back as to what I have achieved, I'm disappointed.

I begun the year with the intention of making this year different. Of actually doing whatever it takes to change my career situation for the better. To relentlessly pursue my dreams...

When did day to day life take priority?

I'm disappointed, yes, and I'm completely off track with day to day, but it's not unreconcilable.

I have to realign myself with what matters to me, and avoid getting caught up in a meaningless job, a meaningless routine.

But it's now urgent, it's now completely necessary to take big risks. But talk ain't gonna get me where I want to go....

All this really was for nothing

I haven't been this sick for a really really long time.

I've let myself get so run down that it has been impossible to shake this flu, and now I have a chest infection.

I find it hard to breathe, and yet I still devote myself day in day out to my day job, because the work has to get done, and it pays the bills.

For the first time in my life I am considered the linchpin at work, and I get some ego satisfaction out of that, and out of doing my best.

Yet my body reacts in overdrive of complete fatigue and exhaustion. This is not what I want.

I have an opportunity to reach a pinnacle in my 'career', but it's not what I want. I don't want to continue to kill myself for them... And more responsibility and greater expectations will make it even harder not to.

But yet I still get up and go to work every day.

I want more from my life. I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do, and yet it gets harder to even comprehend doing them, as life gets more complicated. And bills more pressing.

I mourn the time wasted, and the energy lost tonight, as I'm getting more success in my life, but not the success I really wanted...