All this really was for nothing

I haven't been this sick for a really really long time.

I've let myself get so run down that it has been impossible to shake this flu, and now I have a chest infection.

I find it hard to breathe, and yet I still devote myself day in day out to my day job, because the work has to get done, and it pays the bills.

For the first time in my life I am considered the linchpin at work, and I get some ego satisfaction out of that, and out of doing my best.

Yet my body reacts in overdrive of complete fatigue and exhaustion. This is not what I want.

I have an opportunity to reach a pinnacle in my 'career', but it's not what I want. I don't want to continue to kill myself for them... And more responsibility and greater expectations will make it even harder not to.

But yet I still get up and go to work every day.

I want more from my life. I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do, and yet it gets harder to even comprehend doing them, as life gets more complicated. And bills more pressing.

I mourn the time wasted, and the energy lost tonight, as I'm getting more success in my life, but not the success I really wanted...