Dream? Or wake up

When things don't work out the way you had hoped, does this mean you made a mistake, or it just wasn't meant to be???

We interpret things so differently, depending on your life perspective, age, experience, and tolerance levels. In my case, it's simply that I can no longer fool myself into believing I can be passionate about something, when I'm not...

So now work for me is simply that - a means to earn money to pay off debts, so I can free my life to pursue my dreams.

I've made a mistake again, and my so called 'dream job' is quickly turning into a nightmare. I've made the wrong choice, but I can correct it. I've woken up to my own stories I tell myself so that I stay in my comfort zones. The stories no longer work for me.

Finding the real 'Why'

I've discovered the element that has kept me from feeling (& if I'm honest with myself, it has kept me from being) successful in my current line of work.

It has also prevented me from being motivated to work toward the career I want to be in.

I've been missing the element of 'why' I do what I do. There's been no reason behind my efforts, other than 'I need to earn money'.

And yes, I do need to earn money, but it's not something I find motivating for me to make significant effort to do an awesome job. There needs to be reason 'why' that resonates with my personal values.

Why do I want to be a writer/philosopher/adventurer? Other than to have freedom from 9-5? Other than wanting to work independently? Other than not wanting to feel suffocated by an employer?

I clearly know why i don't want what I have now... But what is my motivation for my dream?

I want to do what I want to do because I want to contribute to freeing humankind from the factory mentality we have caused ourselves to develop. I want to encourage and celebrate creativity, diversity, and our own individual uniqueness. I want to bring back (reinvigorate) the time when 'the artist' was revered as genius.

'why'? Because there is a genius in each of us...

Vulnerability

'All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.'

They are invisible to us, yet the homeless are still there.

We walk past them on street corners, and step over them in crowds, yet we don't see them.

Our emotions are numbed to their desperation, and we no longer want to hear their story, but they won't go away.

The homeless represent to us our greatest fears. We avoid looking at them, so we don't have to face the very real truth of life, which is that we are all vulnerable. We all face the possibility of complete helplessness. We are all at risk of losing everything. And we are all brothers and we cannot deal with the depths of someone else's 'failure'.

But we have too.

By facing our own greatest fears we help each other to overcome them. When we feel the depth of our own pain, we release it, and can help another face his.

When we see ourselves as part of the collective humankind, we take responsibility for the whole, and understand that even the smallest of gestures to help one person less fortunate than ourselves, we have an enormous impact on the world.

What am I doing?

I've been having that thought way too often this year...

And the answer never comes easy because it is full of frustration, and pain, and fear.

I don't want to be doing this anymore, and now I'm committed again, going madly around and around.

And again I think to myself, what is worse the pain of my everyday feelings of letting myself down and not living the life I want. Or the pain of fear being realized?? Now I assess and live in the pain of inaction and it's horrific - much worse than the pain of doing something about it.

I can't keep doing this... It's killing me.