What am I doing?

I've been having that thought way too often this year...

And the answer never comes easy because it is full of frustration, and pain, and fear.

I don't want to be doing this anymore, and now I'm committed again, going madly around and around.

And again I think to myself, what is worse the pain of my everyday feelings of letting myself down and not living the life I want. Or the pain of fear being realized?? Now I assess and live in the pain of inaction and it's horrific - much worse than the pain of doing something about it.

I can't keep doing this... It's killing me.