Choose your own adventure

Spread your web, create multiple opportunities, but be careful what you wish for. Make good choices.

Don't rely on worst case scenarios, when there is always an alternative.

Ask yourself repeatedly - "is this the best I can do?"

Rule #1

If you don't want to follow the rules, get out of the game.

This is the point that I'm at.

Fresh from the garden

After feeling so good last week, and centered, it's a harsh reality that I have to go to work (day job) tomorrow.

All day I have fought with the feeling of overwhelm & anxiety of beginning another 5 days of 'where I don't wanna be / don't belong / don't deserve'.

I am so ingrained in the emotional patterns of negativity around still being employed in a lame-arse job. I know you all are shouting "then do something about it!!!!!!!!"

I'm an f'n idiot if I don't.

Status check

Watching films about legends always seems to make me feel a little dejected...

I think because when I watch the successes of legends at such a young age (read: younger than me), I feel the dreaded oppression of 'I've done nothing of any significance in my life.'

Of course, it takes a million 'normal people' to make a legend, but I always thought i'd be a huge success.

And I'm not.

Some people might look at the past 16 of my life (since I left the education system) and think I've achieved a lot, or that I've had it really good. But when I compare where I am, to where I wanted to be, I'm so down-hearted - because I feel old & very soon to be out of time.

I'm going to leave it at that. Because I need to let this soak in & settle.

The pain of this is too raw...

Leap of faith

I feel I've taken a giant step forward today.

I feel focused on what I should be focusing on. I feel confident I will build the successful business I want. And I feel assured that I deserve it.

The only thing I've done differently today? Amongst all the chaos and potential stress of my day job, I stayed present, with the whirring world around me. I stayed grounded in the moment, and gave up my bad habit of yearning for the future, and my frustration at not yet being there. Instead I found happiness and an 'openness' (unable to think of a better word to describe the feeling), and a definite sense of knowing that all I want is mine already.

I don't need to make the hard climb into the future, as I am already moving into it with every cell of my body, and every molecule of energy.

It takes a leap of faith to let go of the need to anxiously work and struggle with desire and need for the future, filled with the pain and frustration of not having it now. But in letting go of the 'ego' driven 'I want it NOW', life becomes endless in it's possibility, and open to all that is presented.

Back to the...

Time slowed down, until it no longer exists.

A being 'of' time, but not in.

Humans aren't on a horizontal timeline, but instead on a ladder that exists in presence.

Our consciousness made up of the future above, and the past below, we travel up or down in any one moment - the moment existing forever untouched except by our unconscious tendency to not remain in open awareness of the moment, in the one secure and safe step that exists now.

The uncomfortable position of no movement. Risk becoming preoccupied with the depths of past occurrences, or relentlessly pursuing the heights of the future, when the greatest of movements can be made in total acceptance and peace with now.

It isn't the scariest of places, instead the path of least resistance gives the easiest of transformations towards a heart's desire.

A brand new day

Yes, today was a brand new day, a new start, a new job position. But yet, I feel like I have gone backwards a number of months, and am back where I was in a world of frustration over 'work'.

A promotion might mean more money, but it also means a whole new level of extra work, extra frustration, and still having to put up with the same issues you thought you might have left behind in your old job...

Well, here I am again. Wanting a job closer to home, wanting a job in a different industry, wanting to make money easily so I can spend as much time as I want working on what I know matters most, the long journey to follow my dreams.

Now, the complaining comes thick and fast, the frustration is instant, and the self 'hatred' (quite a severe word I know)* impending. Where to from here?

I'm looking for a miracle, or perhaps, I should be working on a miracle, because I can't be doing more of the same old. This is my limit. I know I will disappoint and upset a number of people who have their 'hopes' pinned on me. But I don't feel I have a responsibility to them - I have a responsibility to myself and my life and my husband. That is where the truth lies.

*to those I love, I don't 'hate' myself, but I'm not happy that I have let myself end up in the same situation again - something has to change, and that something is me.