Dream? Or wake up

When things don't work out the way you had hoped, does this mean you made a mistake, or it just wasn't meant to be???

We interpret things so differently, depending on your life perspective, age, experience, and tolerance levels. In my case, it's simply that I can no longer fool myself into believing I can be passionate about something, when I'm not...

So now work for me is simply that - a means to earn money to pay off debts, so I can free my life to pursue my dreams.

I've made a mistake again, and my so called 'dream job' is quickly turning into a nightmare. I've made the wrong choice, but I can correct it. I've woken up to my own stories I tell myself so that I stay in my comfort zones. The stories no longer work for me.

Finding the real 'Why'

I've discovered the element that has kept me from feeling (& if I'm honest with myself, it has kept me from being) successful in my current line of work.

It has also prevented me from being motivated to work toward the career I want to be in.

I've been missing the element of 'why' I do what I do. There's been no reason behind my efforts, other than 'I need to earn money'.

And yes, I do need to earn money, but it's not something I find motivating for me to make significant effort to do an awesome job. There needs to be reason 'why' that resonates with my personal values.

Why do I want to be a writer/philosopher/adventurer? Other than to have freedom from 9-5? Other than wanting to work independently? Other than not wanting to feel suffocated by an employer?

I clearly know why i don't want what I have now... But what is my motivation for my dream?

I want to do what I want to do because I want to contribute to freeing humankind from the factory mentality we have caused ourselves to develop. I want to encourage and celebrate creativity, diversity, and our own individual uniqueness. I want to bring back (reinvigorate) the time when 'the artist' was revered as genius.

'why'? Because there is a genius in each of us...

Vulnerability

'All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.'

They are invisible to us, yet the homeless are still there.

We walk past them on street corners, and step over them in crowds, yet we don't see them.

Our emotions are numbed to their desperation, and we no longer want to hear their story, but they won't go away.

The homeless represent to us our greatest fears. We avoid looking at them, so we don't have to face the very real truth of life, which is that we are all vulnerable. We all face the possibility of complete helplessness. We are all at risk of losing everything. And we are all brothers and we cannot deal with the depths of someone else's 'failure'.

But we have too.

By facing our own greatest fears we help each other to overcome them. When we feel the depth of our own pain, we release it, and can help another face his.

When we see ourselves as part of the collective humankind, we take responsibility for the whole, and understand that even the smallest of gestures to help one person less fortunate than ourselves, we have an enormous impact on the world.

What am I doing?

I've been having that thought way too often this year...

And the answer never comes easy because it is full of frustration, and pain, and fear.

I don't want to be doing this anymore, and now I'm committed again, going madly around and around.

And again I think to myself, what is worse the pain of my everyday feelings of letting myself down and not living the life I want. Or the pain of fear being realized?? Now I assess and live in the pain of inaction and it's horrific - much worse than the pain of doing something about it.

I can't keep doing this... It's killing me.

And the answer is given

It's quite amazing how you pose a dilemma and by some work of the universe you are given an answer.

The blog of Chris Guillebeau ( www.chrisguillebeau.com - still haven't determined how to add links in this app...) poetically addressed the exact issue I've been dealing with: income vs outgoings.

In his '34 things I've learnt about life and adventure' post, he says to focus energy on increasing income, not to become frugal, because otherwise it will cultivate a poverty mentality - and you know what, that's exactly what I've developed....

Time to readjust my position, think abundance and generate income by pursuing my dreams. I can, I have to, and I will.

when distracted by a hard decision

we are at serious risk of losing the roof over our head. So we are at a point of having to make a really hard decision - do we stay and risk losing everything, or do we move, and risk losing focus on the things that are really important to us.

I guess when it comes down to it, we need to make a decision that leads us towards our best long term solution, and movement toward our ultimate goal of overseas travel, and financial freedom. and financial freedom means taking control of our debt, taking responsibility for our debt, and focusing on paying it off as soon as possible.

There are 2 ways to do this, reduce our outgoings, and increase our incomings.

I find reducing our outgoings the easy part. I struggle with increasing out incomings, because I have never had to really deal with it before...

so i'm distracted by putting energy into earning more money instead of working on my long term career goals to give me the freedom I want to travel the world. I need to work on finding the balance to achieve both during this time of confusion, so that i achieve all the really important things in my life.

re-think the goal

I've been challenged, and have discovered I am focusing on the wrong thing in my quest for career fulfillment.

My drive has been all about money -and the need to earn more, so that we can have the freedom we want. So in every search, the focus hasn't been on 'what', but on 'how much'.... no wonder, I've had no success in getting anywhere.

So, what do I really want in my new job, so that I feel I am contributing to society, having an impact on individuals, and improving the business I work for?
*I want to help people realise and live their dreams.
*I want to create beautiful things, that inspire others to be creative.
*I want to challenge social norms, hierarchies, and fears.
*I want to show the people I love, that it is possible to live the life that you want, by doing it myself.
*I want to meet interesting people all over the world, and learn their languages, discover their cultures, and explore their countries - so as to develop a knowledge and understanding of who they are that bridges the gap between societies, and cultures, eliminating prejudices, and persecution.

Quite the big dream... 

Dealing with disappointment

I've never had a problem finding a new job. This is quite evident on my resume with about 1 new job in every year.

But the last six months, as I've desperately wanted to leave my current place of employment, it's been a struggle to get anywhere I really want to go.

If I'm honest with myself though, I am just applying for anything that will help me escape from where I currently am, because I feel so tortured by a hopeless demanding situation.

Maybe what I need to focus on is where I really want to be, and stop putting off real change in my life.

Where do you feel stuck in your life, and what changes are you struggling to make despite the potential for real dream achievement?

The day before me.

Interesting post from Chris Guillebeau (look him up, I'm yet able to work out how to add a link on Blogger for iPhone), about the day stretching before you, and the passing of time.

I am super aware of it when away on vacation or even on an RDO, when I have a whole day to fill, it passes so quickly. And I don't always feel I have achieved anything that will significantly move me forward...

Now as we count down the last few days of our holiday in Bali, and the dread of going back to work creeps in, I feel even more aware of how much I wanted to achieve with my free time, and how little I have achieved... Competing priorities are now at war, time for last few hours of doing very little and relaxing, or time for maximum outputs and efforts to working on the project that will hopefully free me for the life I really want. Is there really any question as to what the choice should be??

This has always been one of my faults, putting today's comfort before my ultimate goals.... Too often my self esteem takes a nose dive as I make the wrong choices.

The missing Rice Bubble

We've all been taught to snap, crackle & pop... But what do we do when it comes to 'crunch' time?

I can research, I can prepare, I can talk the talk, but I haven't been shown how to have the guts to walk the walk, to take the risks, to be scared and do it anyway (see this is a prime example of talking the talk....).

I still have a week before I gotta go back to work, but I'm haunted by bad dreams of going back to the same old life. I can't face it, and am being reminded nightly of how bad it is...

It's crunch time, I gotta start doing what needs to be done....

its gonna be hard

and perhaps that is what has been stopping me up until now. I'm afraid that I'll have to work hard forever, like with my last business, where I never felt I could switch off, for fear of dropping the ball.

But now I have to work hard to get something off the ground instead, and work hard to set it up so that I can move on and enjoy my creative projects as a priority.

That is worth doing, and yes it's gonna be hard work - but fun enjoyable work, not the hard slog and resistance I experience daily at my job.

It is worth it.

Simplicity

There is so much i want to change in my life this year, none more than my career. But it's important to make sure there is focus in all areas, so that there isn't an imbalance of perspective - which i am definitely suffering from now.

So if career is number 1, what is number 2? Of equal importance I see health, finances, and adventure.

I want to feel stronger, fitter, healthier.
I want to feel like we have financial freedom, eg no debt...
I want to travel, and see other countries.

Mostly, I want to simplify my life. I feel so caught up in complications all the time, and feel like my attention is constantly spinning from priority to priority - with nothing making any headway, and I'm still achieving nothing.

Today is the first day I vow to give up coffee. I no longer want to blow $30 a week on this habit/ritual. And it's hard - and it's gonna get harder...

I see it not only as a health benefit, but a step in the right direction to simplifying my life. I realise that I don't hold money in high regard, it isn't one of my values, because I believe you can have a wonderful life with less, not with more.

but yet day to day i struggle because i can't afford to do anything, and i feel like i'm further behind from my dreams because my bad finances hold my back. i have no freedom because of my obligations...

and i have to work hard to remove the obligations so i can have the freedom to do nothing. it just doesn't make sense.

Just another writer

I lost my 'new' notebook yesterday. Somehow managed to leave it on the bus. In realising it however I wasn't overly upset.

My husband said it was sign, to move onto other things, but I think instead, it was a sign that my writing is completely useless if it is in a notebook, because I'll never find the time to type them up and let them go live online, or I will never write them up as my e-book that will help release me from the working life I'm so unhappy in.

I need to do my writing/journaling, it's my way of processing, but I'm less inclined to bitch and moan if I do it blog style...

I have to do something big in my life this year - I deserve it. I have to take big risks this year - I deserve it. And I can no longer set myself up to be the victim in life. I've got to fucking stand up and take charge.