The Year in Review...

This title may seem to have so many meanings. You might think I'm referring to the company I work for, but it is not my intention anymore to think about or focus on the place I don't want to be.

In 18 days we begin another year - a new chance to turn things around.

Looking back, I haven't achieved the things I wanted to in the last year. I've been dealing with my frustration and anger at myself for not being where I want to be, but I now have to force myself to move ahead, and focus on what I can do in the next year.

Or even what I can do now.

I have a preset mind-set that this time of year nothing can be changed or achieved because 'i just have to get through Christmas and new years, then do something about it'. But no more.

Every f'n day I can do something to push my life in the direction I want it to go to, it is in my control, and only in my control.

I can write the book I want to write now. I can start the website I want to start now. I can make the changes I want to make now. Life isn't on hold over Christmas.

Day 7: Fire Up

What is your call to action?

Is it a particular song, or chapter in a book? Is it the thought of going to work tomorrow, beginning another week of 'same-old'?

Or do you have to wait until the pain caused by the desire for change, finally exceeds the pain of taking the risk to change?

Some days I feel like I'm there, I'm ready. It's these days I have to make the most of. Until they become the dominant way of life for me.

Day 5: possibilities

It's happening already.

My focus is on the new possibilities I'm creating in my life, and my enthusiasm is uncontainable. I'm so excited about the prospect of finally developing freedom in my life.

I want to help others feel it too.

I'm considering what my life legacy will be, and I keep coming back to my family. I want them to understand that they are able to have freedom from the grind, and that there are plausible ways of making it happen.

I'm more determined than ever to work it out for my life, so I can be an example for my loved ones.

Day 3: decision time

I want to be an author.

I also want to be an actor, and a world traveller.... But right now I feel my energy being pulled toward writing.

This is quite exciting for me because for so long I've just felt lost, but I feel a clear direction now.

I have a wonderful opportunity to have the life that I want - which is to be able to nurture all my passions at the same time, working on different things everyday, and feeling excited and interested in everything that I'm doing.

When I now stop and think, 'i just need the money to do it', I feel the little voice inside me say 'it's for those people who are brave enough to give up everything to pursue their dreams, that the universe puts in place all that they need so they cannot fail'...

Day 2: Escape Plan

today I choose freedom. I'm not going to stay within the boundaries of my usual self, i'm breaking 'the rules' and taking bolder steps to set myself up for where i am going, not where I've been

have re-focused my energy from what I want to escape 'from', to what I want to escape 'to'...

as i update, my never updated profile on LinkedIn, I question - what do I put in the heading description for myself?? I immediately type in 'retail professional' but realise that is bloody crazy - it's absolutely not my future...

'entreprenuer' has become a little trite in my world - want to go something larger like 'change agent' but don't like the ego behind it. 

Perhaps something more honest like 'escape artist' is necessary at this point, but I want to help encourage others on the path that i'm on.

'freedom seeker' too political...

'adventurer' is closer to my heart - as i feel right now i seek to absorb myself in the adventure of freedom.  an adventurer faces fear to chase their dream, and that is what i'm doing now.

Day 1: Get me outa here

Okay, so I know that focusing on how much you 'hate' something is not the way to find a way out - but I do feel a certain sense of urgency to leave my current toxic work situation. ASAP...

So what have I done today to do just that, well, I've emailed a friend to ask about temp jobs, and I received a delivery of books I ordered from the 'largest river in the world', and have been distracted by my desire to sink my teeth into them since.

I will not go to bed tonight until i have done something more forceful to move me to freedom.

falling short

it's been a year since i first read 4 hour work week, and again, I disappoint myself, by getting so easily distracted by my life, and the daily frustrations of where i'm at.

i get even more frustrated by the universe telling me "to get the job you'll really love, you have to love the job you already have". I HATE my job, and the personal pressures, and the underlying b*tchiness everyday, and the feeling of failure i have from not being able to cope with it all.  I don't want to be there, and nothing will change that. I don't want to have to manage others performance, and be responsible for their results, because at the end of the day, i want to just be in control of myself - and i don't feel like i am.

I try to make decisions that will push me forward to where i want to be, but i just feel like i'm lagging behind and getting no-where.  i have so far to go.

i keep falling short of where i want to be, and this year has been another prime example. but what do i do now?  i'm in an even worse financial situation than before, and so completely reliant on my job to get by.  but i can't do it anymore, and i can't waste energy finding another job. i've had it with being employed - i want to be engaged by my work, and passionate - but with age i'm losing all sense of what that is anymore.

tim ferris, i'm taking a chance on you this time around. i'm going to follow your advice with faith, and belief in the stories i've read of others having similar success, and getting to where they want to be quickly.

in four weeks time i will be in a different place (and i don't just mean in another country on a holiday...)

How to become self employed within 3 months.

I wish this was a how to article, because then it would mean that I had the answer to this title.

But I don't.

I was hoping in beginning this, the answer would magically be sent to me by the universe, but it hasn't.

The only thing that comes to mind is that I have to work really really hard. I thought I was already doing this.

But perhaps what I'm missing, is that I'm not working smart.

There are solutions to my problem. Or maybe the more accurate way of putting it is that there are ways to get to where I ultimately want to be, I'm just not thinking about things in the right way yet.

I know I'm still caught up in the thinking that working for yourself is harder, and takes longer to become successful - the old tale told by people who don't want you to take such a giant risk (including myself on a subconscious level).

Its time to think the opposite. I have no choice but to make it work, because it is what I want right now more than anything else.

The winds of change

Is it time to just let go, and say goodbye.

To all the hard work, to the sleepless nights, to the money spent, to the energy invested...

Is it simply time to cut ties, focus on ourselves, and fix up the mess we've made.

It's hard shutting down, but how long will it go on without there being any return. Is this level of stress and anxiety what we really wanted?

I want to feel freedom when working for myself, not the stress of not getting anywhere, and the burden of what is feeling like a bad investment.

But a big opportunity presents itself, and calls us, but do we resist, or sink back in?

What's next?

My hardest answer to find.

Well, actually, my problem is that I have so many answers I can't decide on just one, because I worry I'll make a bad choice...

If I look at my history though, that is pretty much what I've tended to do - but only when I've tried to play it safe, or done what I thought other people wanted me to.

So much is at risk now, our apartment, our credit rating, any kind of security. But also, the risk of getting caught in a job, where I have to work so bloody hard, but still end up totally dissatisfied, because it is not my ultimate choice or dream.

I am so afraid, but cannot possibly keep doing what I'm doing now.

how much time is left

There's only 11 weeks left of this year.

Have you begun to achieve what you set out to do in 2011?

The clock is still ticking, but there is an opportunity to correct a wrong path, with just under three months to go.

What is it gonna take?

Choose your own adventure

Spread your web, create multiple opportunities, but be careful what you wish for. Make good choices.

Don't rely on worst case scenarios, when there is always an alternative.

Ask yourself repeatedly - "is this the best I can do?"

Rule #1

If you don't want to follow the rules, get out of the game.

This is the point that I'm at.

Fresh from the garden

After feeling so good last week, and centered, it's a harsh reality that I have to go to work (day job) tomorrow.

All day I have fought with the feeling of overwhelm & anxiety of beginning another 5 days of 'where I don't wanna be / don't belong / don't deserve'.

I am so ingrained in the emotional patterns of negativity around still being employed in a lame-arse job. I know you all are shouting "then do something about it!!!!!!!!"

I'm an f'n idiot if I don't.

Status check

Watching films about legends always seems to make me feel a little dejected...

I think because when I watch the successes of legends at such a young age (read: younger than me), I feel the dreaded oppression of 'I've done nothing of any significance in my life.'

Of course, it takes a million 'normal people' to make a legend, but I always thought i'd be a huge success.

And I'm not.

Some people might look at the past 16 of my life (since I left the education system) and think I've achieved a lot, or that I've had it really good. But when I compare where I am, to where I wanted to be, I'm so down-hearted - because I feel old & very soon to be out of time.

I'm going to leave it at that. Because I need to let this soak in & settle.

The pain of this is too raw...

Leap of faith

I feel I've taken a giant step forward today.

I feel focused on what I should be focusing on. I feel confident I will build the successful business I want. And I feel assured that I deserve it.

The only thing I've done differently today? Amongst all the chaos and potential stress of my day job, I stayed present, with the whirring world around me. I stayed grounded in the moment, and gave up my bad habit of yearning for the future, and my frustration at not yet being there. Instead I found happiness and an 'openness' (unable to think of a better word to describe the feeling), and a definite sense of knowing that all I want is mine already.

I don't need to make the hard climb into the future, as I am already moving into it with every cell of my body, and every molecule of energy.

It takes a leap of faith to let go of the need to anxiously work and struggle with desire and need for the future, filled with the pain and frustration of not having it now. But in letting go of the 'ego' driven 'I want it NOW', life becomes endless in it's possibility, and open to all that is presented.

Back to the...

Time slowed down, until it no longer exists.

A being 'of' time, but not in.

Humans aren't on a horizontal timeline, but instead on a ladder that exists in presence.

Our consciousness made up of the future above, and the past below, we travel up or down in any one moment - the moment existing forever untouched except by our unconscious tendency to not remain in open awareness of the moment, in the one secure and safe step that exists now.

The uncomfortable position of no movement. Risk becoming preoccupied with the depths of past occurrences, or relentlessly pursuing the heights of the future, when the greatest of movements can be made in total acceptance and peace with now.

It isn't the scariest of places, instead the path of least resistance gives the easiest of transformations towards a heart's desire.

A brand new day

Yes, today was a brand new day, a new start, a new job position. But yet, I feel like I have gone backwards a number of months, and am back where I was in a world of frustration over 'work'.

A promotion might mean more money, but it also means a whole new level of extra work, extra frustration, and still having to put up with the same issues you thought you might have left behind in your old job...

Well, here I am again. Wanting a job closer to home, wanting a job in a different industry, wanting to make money easily so I can spend as much time as I want working on what I know matters most, the long journey to follow my dreams.

Now, the complaining comes thick and fast, the frustration is instant, and the self 'hatred' (quite a severe word I know)* impending. Where to from here?

I'm looking for a miracle, or perhaps, I should be working on a miracle, because I can't be doing more of the same old. This is my limit. I know I will disappoint and upset a number of people who have their 'hopes' pinned on me. But I don't feel I have a responsibility to them - I have a responsibility to myself and my life and my husband. That is where the truth lies.

*to those I love, I don't 'hate' myself, but I'm not happy that I have let myself end up in the same situation again - something has to change, and that something is me.

Misguided passion

The year is half over. And when I look back as to what I have achieved, I'm disappointed.

I begun the year with the intention of making this year different. Of actually doing whatever it takes to change my career situation for the better. To relentlessly pursue my dreams...

When did day to day life take priority?

I'm disappointed, yes, and I'm completely off track with day to day, but it's not unreconcilable.

I have to realign myself with what matters to me, and avoid getting caught up in a meaningless job, a meaningless routine.

But it's now urgent, it's now completely necessary to take big risks. But talk ain't gonna get me where I want to go....

All this really was for nothing

I haven't been this sick for a really really long time.

I've let myself get so run down that it has been impossible to shake this flu, and now I have a chest infection.

I find it hard to breathe, and yet I still devote myself day in day out to my day job, because the work has to get done, and it pays the bills.

For the first time in my life I am considered the linchpin at work, and I get some ego satisfaction out of that, and out of doing my best.

Yet my body reacts in overdrive of complete fatigue and exhaustion. This is not what I want.

I have an opportunity to reach a pinnacle in my 'career', but it's not what I want. I don't want to continue to kill myself for them... And more responsibility and greater expectations will make it even harder not to.

But yet I still get up and go to work every day.

I want more from my life. I haven't done any of the things I wanted to do, and yet it gets harder to even comprehend doing them, as life gets more complicated. And bills more pressing.

I mourn the time wasted, and the energy lost tonight, as I'm getting more success in my life, but not the success I really wanted...

Face Off

At my age, and with my experience & positive disposition, I hadn't thought that I would become overwhelmed with physical symptoms of stress related illness. Now, that sounds a little bit official & medical - and I hate the connotations that go along with the word 'stress'.

In all honesty, me trying so hard to 'save face' and not show or express how things have affected me, or more likely, me unconsciously shutting down my emotions in the moment, has built up an explosive anxiety and pressure inside.

I can admit that I have felt like a pressure cooker the past few weeks. And now it's compounded by my work situation. A job I care so little about, but still am so affected by, because it acts as a constant reminder of my failure in my more entrepreneurial pursuits...

But I'm writing this for self awareness, not for analysis, & I'm not going to admit defeat. I still have a purpose that is greater than what I do now, and I still have dreams that I must take seriously.

The work that I have left to do, is not just for other people, but for me. I need to put my life & the daily goings on into perspective.

self-reliance realised...

I have to be honest.  Unfortunately, I've found the actual writing part of the Trust30, 30 day writing challenge kinda tedious.

Hence why I haven't kept up with it...

I think it is a good idea in concept - but for me it is just going over (&over) things I already know, and have already become conscious of.

Reading Emerson, has definitely been insightful, and I enjoy his writing flow, but the suggested exercises, have left me a little uninspired. I kinda feel like I shouldn't be spending my time writing answered to their questions, but instead forging my own path, thinking for myself. 

So, this where I leave the Trust30 challenge - none the worse off for having attempted participation, but much better off for utilising the time for something that inspires me more.

Irrational or just plain crazy?

What is one thing you have always wanted to accomplish, but have always been afraid to pursue?

this writing challenge had me stumped, and procrastinating, and I think there are a number of reasons why...

If I sit down and begin to write all the 'crazy' things that I want to accomplish in my life, not only will I be overwhelmed by the 'impossibility' of it all, but I'll begin crying for the lost years of my life in which I could have already spent doing them if I knew that I was actually able to complete everyone of them if I applied myself.

I guess all is not lost, even though my aspirations go as grand as winning an Academy Award (no I haven't even done acting courses yet), and as small as writing and editing my own quarterly magazine, there is still time to acheive at least one of these fabulous goals every year until I die (some years I may have to do a few more, and sell the incredibly successful businesses I have created in the previous year) - nothing is impossible...

But narrowing it all down to one goal for this year? - a fear in itself, but absolutely necessary to focus my energy in the right place without distractions - my crazy goal for this year is to get our business to a point of positive cash flow, and to increase it's online sales to $500 a week.
There - I've said it, and it's public.

The obstacles in my way are potentially  all just in my head - as I'm only limited by my self doubt. But realistically - I haven't put much thought into the obstacles.

Some are completely just out of my control: people are saving more money than ever, and others are easy enough to work through: the lack of correct SEO on our online store...

But I have a starting point - I've actually got a crazy plan and aspiration to focus on - I've chosen one, the most important one, and the goal that I have to greatest opportunity to achieve this year.

Preparation to live - or the last days to come alive

A 'funny' terminology - 'preparing to live' - I had to read it twice until I understood.

Where in my life am I preparing to live? I was a little surprised to discover, that I'm 'preparing' in almost every part of my life.

I work most of my waking hours in a uninspiring day job, to earn money so that I can pay off debts, save money, and put it into our business. In slow and 'responsible' preparation for making it big, and eventually making enough to pay myself a salary, and quit 'uninspiring day job'.

I do have a responsibility to earn a steady income - so a means to overcome this dilemma, and make progress in living my life now: draw up a clear and achievable plan for earning an independent income through our business, and focus on this as the number one priority for the next 6 months - cash flow, cash flow, cash flow (and I mean in, not out...) This will improve my present situation by giving me the opportunity to work and focus on our business as the 'most' important thing in my life, and I'll instantly be able to 'work' as the creative and inspiring person that I want to be.

In conjunction with all this is my strong desire to travel, and using the saving, business, etc as a preparation for being able to afford to move overseas, and/or travel as much as I'd like to travel. Right now I could change this feeling of longing for something better, by actually beginning to really plan and begin to work out all that would be involved with moving overseas.

Really, so much would have to be done before we could logistically move, and now is really the time to create the lists of all that will need to be done, and begin to gather all the necessary information, documentation, quotations, and locations for our move. This would inspire me so much to follow through with all our plans, and work smart towards fulfilling this dream.

And lastly, my health. I'm constantly working on getting my body not to hurt in my injury prone painful joints, that I'm just preparing for a time when I feel 100% so that I can exercise as much as I want to. I think it's time to just exercise as much as I want to, and find the exercise methods that will keep me interested, having fun through the pain, and keeping it diverse and entertaining, so I don't get bored and give up.

Right now, I can include different things in my life - even if it begins as just an hour a week - it's more than what I make time for now. I have to keep a list of things that are different for me to do, and mix it up every week, because even though I tell myself, 'I want to work in a job that allows me to sleep till 7, and go for a run along the beach every morning' - I know that it would last maybe 2-3 weeks, and I'd be bored, and thinking of excuses not to do it everyday, until I lose all interest.

A lot to work on - now focus is needed to complete the said lists, and plans (uninspiring job is good for one thing), and begin action plan - keyword 'action'...

to Travel, or not to Travel, that is the question

From a very young age, I made a pact with myself that I would see every country in the world before I died. It was on my 'bucket' list...

I now see myself as having potentially already lived half of my life, and I'm not even close to having seen 5% of the world yet.

Would I settle for just seeing a little bit more? I'm not so sure I can honestly answer that question, now that I'm older, have watched a lot more news and current affairs shows that build fear in my mind about the risks of travelling to unfamiliar countries. The fear has become disillusionment at my original desire to know and understand all cultures, and experience how all societies live, so that I can see the true reality of our world.

But still, I want to see that, and know that, and feel that essence of the life of the world in me.

I want to see every country in the world...

The next step for me now is to determine how I could possibly do that, as the harsh reality of how far away Australia is from almost every part of the world, and how expensive that makes overseas travel.

But reality aside, I want to see the beauty of.... (at least 20 answers run through my mind in a confusion of trying to name just one) India, the Himalaya's, the Amazon River, more of Mexico, New York at Christmas, Paris in spring time, Japan during Cherry Blossom season, Amsterdam, Peru, Nepal, New Orleans, Africa, the Eskimos, Mongolia, Spain, Turkey, and my list will go on for as long as I have a map in front of me...

Now to the real question of today's writing challenge - What will I do to make sure I get there???

It's time to stop the confusion, and start the action of at least planning a list of exactly what I might want to do in my top 10 countries, then I can start researching what will be plausible in the next 12 months.

A starting point of first steps is what is needed to begin the journey that may take me the rest of my life to complete - will keep you posted :)

One strong belief

Article 1: Universal Declaration of Human Rights: All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights. (They are endowed with reason and conscience and should act towards one another in a spirit of brotherhood.)

I don't believe in revenge. (a strong belief in itself)

Maybe it is because I haven't ever been put into such a situation of extreme anger, and desire for retribution...

but I believe it is because I don't think anyone can ever ever truly understand the real reasons that someone might do something that is viewed as 'bad'.

I know that I seriously put myself up for attack when I say, that even the most crazed of evil killers is born an innocent child, has a mother who loves them, a sweetheart that see something beautiful in them, a family who look up to them, and friends who care deeply for them.

Just as in the reverse, people who are considered 'pure' and 'godly' by some, are feared as evil by others.

I'm driven to defend this view point - and would passionately if challenged, because as human beings we are all born equal, and it is the circumstances, and environment, that we are brought up in that changes and shapes us into who we become as adults.  The way we each independently (or not so much when exposed to media etc) choose to form opinions, and judgements about another person, are simply based on our own interpretations of the information that is put in front of us. We all make a conscious or unconscious choice how to see the people and personalities around us, and how to act & react to them - based purely on our own experiences of life. It is a universal human fault.

Everyone's interpretation is based purely on their own story, or the story that has been told to them. We are all in the same situation. We all have a choice how to view the world, and the human beings in it.

We are all human beings, born free and equal in dignity and rights.

the Post-it Question - what is challenging me?

How would you describe your day in only one sentence?

"Can i have more than one please?"


I think this tells so much more about who I am than you might perceive at first glance...

15 minutes to live

does it all just come down to this
it is hard to believe, as i close my eyes that there won't be anything else. but god? heaven i don't believe despite a catholic upbringing, that there really is anything else other than what we have here on earth.
so what does that make me in death. nothing?
is it really possible that life is all there is? of course it is, but that shouldn't mean that death is something to fear, unless of course it has been life that you've feared.
if I had children, in my last 15 minutes I might tell them to be strong, and to know that i'll always love them. if...
if i had someone close to me that might listen, i would tell them not to fear life, but to live it, for i haven't to the best of my ability.
don't do anything unless it is something that will make you happy, don't do things because you feel obliged to, don't live someone else's life, live your own.
but then some do's -  do love unabashedly and shamelessly, without fear, because it is the only true emotion and the only way to freedom, is to just love your life, and believe that no matter what you will always be okay.
there is nothing that can bring you down except for your interpretation of your circumstances. create the interpretation that you want to. don't see everything as pessimistic, there is opportunity in all circumstances - 'good' or 'bad'.

the labels we have always given things - our whole lives through are completely meaningless in the end. don't believe those who teach you these labels, or give you these labels.
the only thing that is real is now.
i could muse over all the mistakes that i've made, but instead i'm going to take this moment to learn from them. take the lessons to the next life, not take with me the regret i've sometimes felt in life.
regret can be a powerful thing, if it instigates and creates change, but a horrible thing to carry with you. learn from the mistakes you've made, and don't ever repeat them again.
i want to begin my next life with the refreshment of awareness, but perhaps this isn't possible.

life is seeing the sun rise on a beautiful clear morning, with the cool sand between my toes, the fresh sea air in my nose, and the warm sun on my face. i love you xxx

fallen off the wagon

I feel a bit like I've lost control the past few weeks.

I've lost focus & routine of some of the things that matter in my life, like writing this blog, & taking photos everyday.

But in the interim, I've developed habits that I can't let go of, most importantly, walking home from work everyday, and making lunch at work to save money. Things that consume my previously creative time.

So how can I find more time in the day, when I just want to fit more and more things in? I'm frustrated by having to be at work, when the boredom of retail could be filled with the creativity of experimentation, and building a business that I really want to work on.

Working in a 'factory' environment limits my ability to build in flexibility & also to change my financial situation - which needs to be improved.

The roadblock I've hit has pushed me off track, but it's not a hopeless situation. As a factory worker, I can put no energy or emotion into a job, and still get it done. I have to save my energy and focus for working on what I so desperately want to create in my life, which is more important everyday.

conundrum

under no illusion

sometimes the actual reality of a situation is the hardest thing to face.

The world is filled with illusions. The reality of what a product is, where it's manufactured, how bad it is for you, the fake-ness of it's status position - all an illusion created by marketing, and successful brand positioning.

But if we believe it enough, the illusion is our reality. And we make it real by living it.

This goes for belief in a product and how it 'changes' us if we own it; and most importantly how we 'market' our own stories to ourselves.

This can go both ways - in the lies we tell ourselves so we don't have to face our reality (fears), or in how we can alter our reality by changing the stories we tell ourselves, so we can face our fears.

Is it therefore possible to change your situation by selling your story in the most positive light to yourself? Or would this just be creating more illusion?

tenacity

I've learnt something about myself the last few days.

I woke up Monday morning, having made the decision to do something about my expanding butt, and packed my bag full of sweats - to walk home from work that night.

I figured it was time to test - would it be quicker to go to the gym next to work, and catch the bus home; or would it be quicker to walk the 7.2km uphill journey home.

Naturally due to the cost of joining the gym, I thought I'd test the latter option first - at the lower price of a cold nose.

I must admit, it wasn't easy - not the first time, or on Tuesday night with a aching knee, or on Wednesday night with terrible shin splints. But I did it. Against all the odds of my demon telling me to give up half way and catch the bus, or that it'll rain, or that I'm sooo tired I just want to get home asap. I did it, and I'll do it again on Friday, and for 4 nights next week. and the week after, and the week after. This is it now - this is my new routine.

I've become so aware of my demons as I walk along - sans iPod - because all I have to listen to is my mind talk. And as I fight against the pessimism, and self-doubts, and negativity that conjures up many reasons that I will fail at this thing also - I fight the good fight, and arrive home successful.

and with all awareness, I know that this fight is one I will face everyday for the rest of my life - no matter what the situation, but I have more of an understanding of not accepting defeat, and fighting to the death - as I know it will get easier as the balance of power leans my way.

climb every mountain

Some things can seem impossible. But then we read about someone else doing it, and it apparently it's plausible.
We don't think we could ever lose those 20 kgs we need to - and then we see someone else eating healthy & doing exercise everyday.
We could never leave our job, and start our own business - it would be crazy and irresponsible - and then we meet someone else who has built an empire from scratch.
We could never fit everything into the day that we want to do - it would be way too much work, exhausting - and then we watch someone transform their life by putting in the time and energy.
The mountains can be transformed into molehills if we make the choice to view them that way.
Nothing is impossible if you focus only on what you can do now, and taking that next step (no matter how small) on your way to the top - really, how else do you think they summited Everest?

turn left at anytime with care

why is it that the threat of success scares us as much as our fear of failure? And if we were honest with ourselves - which one scares us the most?

Of course, our natural, in denial, response would be that we have no fear of success - aren't we working our butts off to try to be successful?

But still something always holds you back from really getting there. Maybe your life would change so dramatically, that you wouldn't recognize it. All that success would mean responsibility. And the simple fact that you would have to follow through, again & again & again.

But wouldn't it be so much more fun to be working hard with the thrill of success, than working hard with the fear of success...

ebony and ivory

after what is typically a religious weekend, having spent no time at all on dogmatic beliefs, I'm prompted to reflect on my childhood religious education, and the effect it has had on my adult life.

most significantly a 'heaven and hell' belief system has me challenged, on a frequent basis, to not see the world in 'good or evil', 'black or white'.

There really isn't anything in this world (and I'm sure many people would challenge this) that is all of one or the other.

Our personal perceptions will always thwart our opinions, but we will never know the truth about the motivations behind someone's actions - so everything in reality is shades of grey.

For myself, it is also about how I view my own performance - cataloguing myself into total failure or complete success. Being my harshest critic, and my greatest support at the same time...

So really, this motivates me to try to find balance in how I perceive things. Also, to double check my expectations, of myself & others.

We are after all, only human.

you're number one

there is one thing in the world that you are the best in your field at.

It is your area of expertise, you have the greatest amount of knowledge in it, and no body can compete with you.

Know that today, now, you can take this knowledge and excel. Today, you can use this information to bring happiness and fulfillment into your life.

There will never be any need to concern yourself with competition, or to compare how good you are at this one thing with other people.

Your greatest talent is to be yourself. To aspire to you. To have pride in the perfectly imperfect person that you are.

Now that I have this knowledge, I am always, for eternity, going to be the best in the world at being myself. I can face every challenge with an inner strength and belief in my place and my ultimate purpose in this world.

keep on keeping on

sometimes we have to accept that failure is always a possibility.

having had a couple of 'blue days' this week, overwhelmed by a sense of failure for where I am in life. I realise that it is not me that is the failure, just that the methods that I have been using to do things does not work as I intended, or had hoped; or that the decision I made was just badly chosen.

but there are always other methods. what I do have is the capacity to keep going.

sometimes I do wish that someone could just feed me the answers to the questions that life presents, but then I guess I wouldn't learn anything from my mistakes.

I've always held in high regard that I am a 'virgo', astrologically a 'perfectionist', but this is a major curse in my aged eyes, because it doesn't allow me the space to fail and recover. To have such grand delusions of one-self is not always a bad thing - it could give confidence and undying self belief, but currently it offers me a struggle of not being good enough to impress myself.

so ego bruises, as self expectations are not met, and the realisation that as my harshest judge, I am holding myself back from achieving what I am able to achieve. mindfully this awareness can help to loosen up my ego, and draw me closer to valuing most the experiences that I have, not my critical perception of the outcomes...

something more positive is on the horizon

internal combustion

today I'm motivated to question what it is inside human nature that causes us to have self destructive tendencies.

To see someone make such huge improvements in their life, but then at the first opportunity risk destroying it all by doing something stupid. Especially when that something stupid is so easily preventible, and it takes very little effort to do the right thing.

In witnessing someone else's behaviour, and in seeing the effect it has, not just potentially in their career, but in their emotional and mental state as they come to terms with their 'stupidity', it leads me to reflect on how I might have similar tendencies in my life, and try to determine where I might need to pay attention to self-destructive motivations.

It may not be obvious in your own life but all humans have this within them, preventing us from operating at our highest capabilities. If the reward for developing greater awareness is having less self-initiated 'breakdowns', then its worth the time invested.

the boogie man

always, when seemingly most sure as to what I am most passionate to pursue, in the new morning, fear disguised as every or any negative feeling my demon can imaginatively create - jealousy, anger, frustration, boredom, confusion, self-doubt - comes charging to the forefront of my psyche to 'scare' me into retreat, to put me back in my box, to seal the lid and keep me locked up in my struggle forever.

The fear has kept me from really achieving anything I've wanted in my life - it's grip is strong, it's strength grounded in an overactive mind, constantly creating distractions, delusions, distress - anything that will keep me from putting energy into what I really need/want to be focusing on.

But, awareness and self-knowledge is 80% of the solution to beating the fear, and after spending the whole day feeling no determination, instead anxiety & self-hatred, more than ever I must focus on pushing through this barrier.

Fear breaks down all passion for our dreams. It is fear that squashes our hope. But by realising that fear will always be there, unchanging whether we pursue our goals or not, ALWAYS there in happiness or despair, we can then make a choice.

Do you experience fear in a fulfilled, exciting life, or feel fear in a compromised life? Anyone who has an excuse for never pursuing their dreams has settled for the latter.

bulldozers & pig-heads

With an awakened determination I found my inspiration to action.

The horrific thought of being in this same place in another year, or even six months, has lit a fire up my rear like I've never felt before.

I cannot take the same excuses from myself anymore. I cannot keep wasting time doing nothing. I cannot accept this mediocre existence. I have plans for my life, and I'm not putting them off anymore.

It is my number one priority to change my life this year, and to make significant headway in getting closer to what I really want to do in my life.

I am determined like I've never felt determined before, and I will make it happen. Passion envelopes me. I must narrow my focus to putting energy into what really matters, and let the rest pass by.

Focused energy, passion, determination.

rubber plant genes

Things won't always work out the way you want them to.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it is the truth.

there are infinite variables in life that we have no control over, we can hope and dream about an outcome - but not actually be able to, with certainty, determine how it will all turn out.

the best we are able to do is focus where there are things we can control - like our own behaviour, mental attitude, and physical effort.

unfortunately however, no matter how much we are nice to someone, or we try good naturedly to influence their decisions or get them on our side - not everybody will like you. and even all amounts of effort to build something, or develop something, or put your idea out there - sometimes it just won't work. Our dreams may just not be our destiny in the way we originally think they are.

the key to survival in this world, is to build flexibility into our plans. Have a dream, but base it on the feelings, emotions, lifestyle you may want - not on specific ways of getting there. If we hold too tightly onto the methods of achieving our goals, then we set ourselves up for disappointment, and potentially for a feeling of failure that could make us want to quit.

If you relish the infinite opportunities that are available to you on your way to greatness, then you'll bounce back with greater ease when things don't go your way.

spagetti shoelaces

Humans have such a propensity for complicating things that don't need to be complicated.

We spend hours, days, weeks, months, researching, reading, 'Google-ing' the best method to do the things we really want to be doing - but it's so much easier than that. Instead of using our valuable time to find out the theory behind the practise - why not just practise? and practise, and practise - that could in fact give you the edge over the educated.

Discovering our own best ways to do things, by making mistakes, by having successes, will give us something more valuable than anything you can learn online - it's gives you experience, life experience.

Why do we spend so much time trying to avoid making errors, by trying to learn everything first? and essentially complicating some of the potentially easiest things in life.

Now I'm not completely against preparation, or education - but I do believe that these things need to be in proportion to practising the desired skill/knowledge/dream. Without action, learning is simply unapplied knowledge - apply it immediately, whilst learning and your skills will develop at a much faster pace than those who spend time in endless 'preparation for a day when' they will apply the newly acquired skills.

where there's a will...

Inspiration to action. Is it the missing ingredient in your seven herbs and spices?

Perhaps, despite the desire for change, life is still comfortable. You get a pay check every month, bills are paid, you only have to be at work until 5 or 6 every night, then you get to go home and 'relax'. Your husband or wife is there to greet you, there's little pressure, weekends are free to be bored and do housework, no one expects much, because things are comfortable.

But still that feeling is there, at the back of your thoughts, just quietly knawing away, letting you know that things aren't okay, you won't be able to fake satisfaction for your whole life.

Or will you?

When will you feel the inspiration to action? To be so inspired you'll willingly change your whole life in the search for genuine happiness and fulfillment.

Funny enough you don't have to wait for a major life changing event to get your call to action. Inspire it in yourself.

hitting a bulls-eye

Part of becoming a good salesperson is recognizing that every person that walks in the door is an opportunity. An opportunity to win a customer, make a sale, and earn a commission.

But really, this philosophy can be applied to all parts of life. Every moment is an opportunity to do something different, make a change, take a chance, and do that thing you've always wanted to do...

Putting it into perspective, you can watch another 10, 20, 30 minutes of mind numbing tv, or you can take that time to begin putting your dreams down on paper, and creating a plan for your future.

What I'm really trying to say is that it isn't as hard, or as unattainable as we might think. The silly thing is that it is in fact as easy as simply deciding to do it, then just taking the required steps until its done. The only thing holding you back is you. Nothing else - just you.

The opportunity is yours to take... always.

not recommended for use as a life preserver

Another wake up call today, in the form of an email from the universe.

Why do we put so much time and energy everyday working ourselves into the ground for someone else? And really just barely making it through each day - because I'm definitely not getting ahead despite the hard work, focus, and endless amount of anxiety that goes into the long hours.

If I put the same amount of energy and focus into creating the life that I want now - how could I not be successful? Or get ahead at such an incredible pace that I'll be sooo much happier?

Yes there is failure, a potential risk in everything we do though. And I won't be any worse off than I am now.

(thank you to Mike Dooley and the team at TUT for helping inspire people, and me, regularly)

stoic???

A case of misinterpretation, or just total lack of self awareness - such was the challenging 'case' I had in front of me today. What was one person's perception of an event, so greatly differed from the other's.

Does everybody see themselves in such a skewed perception, or just a random few who seem to have a total skewed view of all things in their lives?

Whether it's an exaggerated self-criticism, or over inflated ego, there are so many ways in which we can see ourselves, but who is right? The perceiver, or the perceived?

This dilema highlights what I believe is at the bottom of many issues in life - is it more important to focus on trying to control/influence what others think of us, or pay more attention to changing what we think of ourselves?

which comes first?

this has nothing to do with chickens or eggs, but instead is about the age old problem (or procrastinating method) of determining where our priorities lie.

the hardest thing I find is that there are so many things to consider: impending deadlines, personal v's professional, what will make the greatest change for my future, what requires the most amount of work, and of course, the job that is in front of me right now screaming to be done - to name just a few...

so really, how can we filter through all the expectations in our lives, and just focus on what really matters right now? there are obvious things - a crying baby for instance - but I'm talking more about making a change in our lives to follow our passion, when we still have the obligations of a 'day job' workload, bills to pay, family to feed, businesses to run, and paperwork to do...

it would be ideal to have money to pay someone else to do most of that stuff - but the reality is that it isn't always possible to do that, for so many of us. So how do you overcome a long to-do list, expectations, and obligations, without losing your mind, and succumbing to giving up your dreams in favour of 'just getting by'?

I wish I could give you a definite answer, but until I had tried it myself, I'd just be telling you what someone else has told me worked for them. I just try not to let my demons rule my choices, and try to fit a bit of what will truly make me happy into every day. I don't want to just survive - I want to live, but unfortunately I have days where I'm fighting against a rising tide of things that have to be done by yesterday.

I know there is always the option that is encouraged by many of the success gurus - who have done it themselves, and lived to tell the tale - to walk away from the things that are preventing you from following your dreams, to prioritise this before anything else - at the risk of bankruptcy, hunger, homelessness, and ostracism - so very much to lose & very very scary.

but a very very exciting prospect that keeps many of us awake at night as we dream of doing just that

KNOCK KNOCK

who's there?

Opportunity.

Opportunity who?

WRONG ANSWER!

... throw that door open!

grab Opportunity by the hand, and pull him to you in a passionate embrace like he is your long lost love.

Don't let go until you are satisfied that you have shown Opportunity all the love, energy, and passion you have to reveal!

As fleeting as love is, Opportunity may not come knocking again, and you must make the most of his unexpected & unplanned visit to show him that he has come to the right place.

Don't let Opportunity pass, as this is the most important moment in your life.

& life rolls on

Humans have a huge amount of tenacity to 'roll with the punches' and just continue on with life, despite what we might have been through.

But how many times do we duck, weave, roll, & take one square, before we have had enough and choose to play a different game? Our tolerance levels are self-deprecatingly high, and we think it is our duty to put up with nonsense, it's just life right?

I think its time to demand and expect more from life. There are options, you don't need to continue a soul-destroying existence. We just need to believe we deserve more, and that more is worth fighting for.

in the bright light of day

Regret is a painfully uncomfortable feeling, and hindsight an important lesson to learn.

Sometimes it is after the event, when retelling it, that we're able to identify our mistakes. Shame, confusion, guilt are all commonly a result.

I could ponder my mistake and be upset for days, but I need to swallow my pride, brush off my bad feelings, and get on with it. I'm learning my lessons the hard way, and repeatedly in such a short amount of time, making the pain more oppressive, and my thoughts of shame difficult to deal with.

It's time for me to bring more self-awareness into my interactions with others, and for me to hold my tongue, and think before I speak. Hopefully with practice I can become conscious of how I may be perceived by others, and have more control over the impression I leave.

the designer or the artist

today I had a little bit of an awakening. If that is even possible.

Perhaps it was in fact bigger than a little bit, because the physical feeling it actualised, was significant in comparison to that description.

What is it exactly that makes us minimize crucial moments in our internal life? Is it our fear of admitting we have been affected by something others will consider as completely insignificant. Or more honestly, it is the fear of admitting we were affected by something, which then means we have to do something about it.

This is definitely what it is for me.

be like water

Bruce Lee wasn't just a skilled martial artist, & film maker, he was also a master of eastern spirituality.

I find it quite poignant that such a talented fighter coined the phrase 'be like water', which is as much a contradiction for a fighter, as it is absolute genius. To fight in an essence of peace.

For where I'm at it is an important reminder, to release the constant feeling of struggle against what I don't want, relax, go with the flow & focus on what I do want to create in my life - & of course, leave the rest up to the universe.

And, I've never heard of impatient water, have you?

A virtue?

Patience.

Or just unrelenting belief, is something I really need at the moment.

Funny, but I remember as a kid, when having to describe myself in a school assignment, the word 'patient' would almost always be there, alongside 'kind', 'trustworthy', and 'friendly'. But I think it was one of the things that I just wanted to be, because quite frankly 'patience' is not one of my virtues.

I'm impatient with other's stupidity, hate it when people are late, and just want it to be the end of the day or week so that I can go home and do something, anything, other than my job.

I'm also extremely impatient with life. I want to do so much more, but am waiting to be given the opportunity, and am waiting for muse to give me incredible life changing inspiration.

I know my personality type has a desire to feel extremes, so I expect so much more than what I feel everyday. But perhaps this is it.

I need to be patient, and have belief in the tiny snowballing changes I'm able to create every day.

no pain, no gain

this belief is so ingrained in our psyche that the fear of said 'pain' prevents us from doing anything at all to get the 'gain'

that's how it feels for me anyway.

what would be worse though - the feeling of pain, potentially balanced significantly by the 'gain', and the feeling of actually doing something to move toward the dream life.  or the continuous feeling of living in hopelessness, that nothing ever changes and that I am a failure...

this pain of failure I feel now is repeated through lofty goals, dreams, and hopes that are never realised because I don't put in the daily effort to deliver... or perhaps I'm just focusing on wanting the 'wrong', distant gain, when I need to focus on the small gain that I can get more frequently from just working slowly and surely toward the lifestyle I dream of.

so many colours

Having too many options can be so overwhelming. Just as the opposite is true also - wanting more options, wanting to be able to do everything - just as overwhelming, and just as much a stalling tactic...

Procrastination comes in so many forms, in fact it comes in every single form that stops you from doing what you want to do right now this very minute. If you are using the excuse that you can't make up your mind what you want to do, then toss a coin and suck it up. There's you choice for right now, now go and do it.

Not tomorrow, because you're too tired.

Not later because your favorite tv show is about to start - now.

Do it now for just 10 minutes, you will feel so much better for having taken a moment for you.

Time for me to take my own advice...

I didn't do it

Why do the young never take responsibility for their actions?

Actually there is a huge number of people who don't want to take responsibility, regardless of age or station - and the reason I say this is because if they did then they wouldn't be in the unhappy positions they currently are in.

As a manager of people, I have many many many examples of how easily people find it to never take responsibility, initiative, or really anything that requires them to think for themselves. Reason being, because it is so much easier for them to have someone - anyone - tell them what to do, therefore, if they get it wrong, it is someone else's fault.

But who is really to blame? We could whinge and complain about the fabric of society and how if we step outside the box our boss, teacher, parent, partner would 'reprimand' us. We fear that people would think badly of us if we challenge or question what is accepted as norm.

I think that we have a responsibility to challenge, question, and avoid status quo thinking. This is where we can have the fastest growth, the most amazing success, and life time of fulfillment that we never imagined we could have.

(Sorry to my readers, I've been having trouble with my email posting, and only just realised that the past few days of entries haven't been published)

just nod in my direction

I give you permission to do whatever it is that will set your heart on fire!

Not that you need my permission - and that is my point...

I know myself that I have from a very young age sought somebody's permission before I did anything that wasn't in the 'guide book', because I didn't want to get into trouble, or be a 'naughty girl'. This has had a massive impact on my life, because I have been controlled by my 'need' to conform to rules, policies, procedures, laws - a perfect citizen who will not challenge the 'powers that be'.

From a very young age we are taught to conform - school, church on Sunday, sports teams, etc. Institutionalization is such a fundamental part of our society, that it isn't questioned - it is just assumed that it is the way it has always been, so it must be what is best for us.

If you haven't read Seth Godin's Linchpin, then you must, as it is a point he discusses with great influence as to our responsibility to now step up and challenge this status quo.

I have begun to feel with such passion as to how much this resonates with me, and it has been the fire up my rear that has finally started me working on the things that I really want.

What I want and nobody else, because it's my responsibility to create for myself a life that brings me joy, and nobody but myself can give me permission to do so.

And this applies to you too...

from up here the world looks bright

I have a special gift.

It is the same 'gift' that many of the population have, yes maybe even you, but I choose to call it a 'gift' whilst many others wouldn't.

It has also on many occasions gone by the names of: 'indecision', 'procrastination', 'always changing my mind', 'never making up my mind', and 'going out of my mind'.

How can I possibly consider this a gift??? Well, because it also has the ability to transform into: 'options',  'multiple streams of income', 'efficient multi-tasking', and 'doing all the things I love'.


Which is where I stand today - not with all of those things in place, but with the knowledge that my gift is transforming, and that I'm working toward having the ability to have space in my life to do all of the many things that I love to do - and hopefully make money doing them.

Say that again?

I realise that it isn't the first time I've written about 5 minutes a day to change your life, yes yesterday I did repeat myself somewhat, and have therefore learnt a valuable lesson in keeping track of my blog topics...
It has led me to question though, if I read this lesson before, why did it have no actual impact the first time, or what was different this time?
Also I question, how many times do we have to hear, or read potential life changing information before it actually changes our life? For me, this particular lesson took me twice for it to have impact - plus my constant reminding myself daily... But so many other books I have read that should have had a significant change, but nothing... Other than the anxiety caused by still feeling like I'm just not capable of change &/or success.
I think perhaps this time it has more to do with the fact that I've just had enough. Enough of doing the same old job everyday, and getting nowhere. I've made another fundamental error of changing jobs again, but going back to doing the same thing I've done before, thinking this time it will be different. But it's not, it never will be until I choose another way completely.

A new day

This morning I woke with a new sense of purpose. Earth Hour last night gave me the opportunity to spend 60 minutes reading instead of numbing my mind in front of the tv.

Thanks to Hugh Macleod & his latest book 'Evil Plans' I really feel the inspiration to be who I am and begin to forge a path for myself. I have no quotes, just my interpretation of the first part of his book (available on Kindle only in Australia, until June) which has me committed to creating the change I so desperately need - 5 minutes a day working on our dreams is more effective than 2 hours one day a week. And this is so true, because it will keep my dream practiced and continually refined and improved if I just spend a little bit of time everyday working toward significant change in my career. 

So now, this is my first attempt at instigating the change. Talking to you in my real voice, taking a photo of my real life, and not only telling you, but showing you from my soul what I want to do. 

I have deep inside me the desire to be a writer, and a photographer, but not in the path of others. I have no training, I have no subject of intense passion to discuss, just me and my philosophy.

There are things that I'm good at, which is always what I am led to believe must be my path. And there is what I have always done, the jobs I've fallen into, by choice, and by force of circumstance - the need to earn cash...

But still the burning desire to do more - which must be clearly differentiated from the status quo notion of the desire to have more. I have  fundamentally all that I could ever need to have, I am being all that I'll fundamentally need to be, but I do not do all that I want to do, the position of which is dominated by fear.

So I wish to make it easier for me to do all that I wish to do, by focusing on a minuscule amount of time a day to change my behavior, and build a dream with regular effort, knowing that it is all in pursuit of the greater motivation.

My commitment to myself, as I don't think anyone even reads this blog yet, is to take one photo every day, and to write a minimum of 100 words a day - just 5 minutes of my time...

A new day

the march of indecision

the basis of all of it, is that I want to have fun

my ultimate life fantasy. to just have fun.

now to define that: to do something everyday that doesn't feel like work. to have fun, to explore, to learn, to greet, to engage.

to do something grand and significant, yet in the shadows. to contribute selflessly, without responsibility.

a life lived with passion - for living

presence

the reality of which is choice. our choice to live this way despite the 'un-reality' of our situation. perhaps if I just connect, perhaps if I just hold it, then the outside will change to fit my inside.

such freedom desired - to do what i want everyday, not what I have to...

who bloody taught me to just get a friggen job - that that is the only way to get ahead - to strive for  more, to work harder, to do your best to impress - but who gives a damn about what i want to do everyday.

only me. the challenge to create work that doesn't feel like a job.

back to the same old story, the same dilemma, that what I wish to do doesn't look like what everyone else views as what is possibly an income generating time filler.

but who really cares what the status quo thinks

an artist must concentrate on making art

time seems superfluous, but endless in procrastination

really is it procrastination, of course another excuse is just busyness...

such a multitude of days has past, and everyday the same motivation is there, but the 'ability' to do something about it hasn't changed. Fear still has control.

will it win out in the end, and what is the fear of. My high expectations of myself make me a hard worker in all employment situations, but the job is already there, and the expectations being met - so why rock the boat and do something else more risky in failure.

I read somewhere last week, that the worst thing we can do to ourselves is to get a job - because we become institutionalised, and also reliant on the income - even though when in a job our capacity to earn is reduced dramatically than when we work for ourselves doing something we are passionate about.

I don't want to be institutionalised, but yet I am dependent on my job to keep me going financially

but then i question this assumption!!!

I just have to take the risk of losing more to gain more, or I'll still be in this position in one month, one year, one decade...

1.1.11

It's a new year.

So the world is open to resolutions, self-promises, and hope for a better year this one...

It is also an important reminder of last year. The hope of what could be, the gradual loss of enthusiasm, excuses, and then reasons why it hasn't worked out.

I think the biggest excuse is that life gets in the way - and yes it can - but what are we going to do about it this year.

I must remind myself each day that lofty goals will only remain seemingly unachievable and/or distant if we allow them to stay as a big lofty goal. Any big dream, big goal, total change of life will begin with just one tiny little step in the right direction.

One tiny step... just 5 minutes of your time today... and another 5 minutes tomorrow, and another 5 minutes every day after that.

You can't seriously tell yourself that you don't even have 5 minutes every day to take one tiny step in the right direction - 5 minutes of less advertisements on television will not kill you - but continuing to watch them, and do nothing about that internal desire to change your life, will.

And I don't want to hear that you haven't made up your mind yet what it is that you want to do. That is just procrastination. Spend your 5 minutes feeling the burning desire for more, and let it take shape. Turn it into what feelings you want to have in your life, and pursue bringing those feelings more and more into your daily life. Explore. The excitement of simply trying new things will develop a need to feel life.

I heard spoken last night, that 'I'd rather be dead than bored'. A wake-up call.

The boredom I face daily, the torture of feeling that you're stuck in an unchangeable situation - just a mental block, never a physical one.

this is the year that all this changed.